“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

The Wedding Crasher
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Their last marriage fight ever

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first

Hey Guys, remember this line, it could come in handy…. “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?” fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”

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For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

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If they were going to join us in Vegas the dress code for the wedding was “Big Dog” attire. You would have to wear a t-shirt or some other “Big Dog” apparel. My dress had Big Dogs all over it and the groom had a Big Dog bow tie and cummerbund. Most guests wore a Big Dog t-shirt and loved the fact that it was so informal.

For the rehearsal dinner, we took everyone to King Arthur’s court where we ate our dinner with our fingers and watched a jousting match.

Elvis was late arriving at the church and everyone said it’s because he was dead We ended up filling the church and it was standing room only. While we waited for Elvis, someone had the idea to start a “wave” for the folks at home that couldn’t make it to Vegas. So we started to do the wave and would pause for the wedding cam to snap a shot then change to the next wave position and waited for the cam again. We kept doing that until the wave was complete. The folks watching remotely said they knew exactly what we were doing and thought it was a riot! There was no audio, so I called work from my cell phone and had someone hold it during the ceremony so they could hear what was going on. There were about 50 people at work watching our wedding – they even brought a wedding cake!

Our wedding was enjoyed remotely by friends and family across the country and about 40 joined us in Vegas!!! After the ceremony, we had everyone back to our 2 bedroom resort suite for champagne and finger foods. For the folks that couldn’t make it to Vegas, we had a reception at home after we returned from our honeymoon in Hawaii. MANY people commented that they had more fun at our wedding than any other wedding they had ever been to. People are still talking about it!!! Did I mention this wedding HAD to have been the easiest and most stress free wedding to plan??? Also, the wedding costs were very low, which enable us to spend more on our honeymoon!
-Vicki G. NY

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Bridezilla

“Marriage is a union between two people that is to be respected, honored, cherished….Oh Lighten Up!  Marriage and weddings are not just an honorable union, they also have a funny side and this site is dedicated to just that. So if you are looking for funny toasts, vows, poems, stories, jokes and articles, all related to weddings and marriage, you’ve come to the right place. So sit back, click and enjoy. Feel free to use any of the content for your special day. Just be cautious not to offend anyone.  We also welcome your comments, articles, jokes (as long as their clean) poems, stories, etc.

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“Darling, darling,” her mother said, “calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?” And, the daughter cried “please don’t make me tell you, mama! I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! Just come and get me, please!”

“Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset… tell me these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama… words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”

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In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?”

The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, “I’ve got a better idea… why don’t we pretend we’re married?” “Why not?!” giggled the woman. “Good,” he replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”

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1. Don’t tell mother-in law jokes. There will usually be one or two mother-in-laws present and you could spoil the day by offending them. You never know what people will consider funny so it’s safer not to tell such jokes.

2. Never tell smutty or rude stories. Take a warning from the photographer who caught on video the father of the bride thumping the best man because he had spoiled his daughter’s wedding by giving a blue speech. The bride was crying in the background. Smutty stories are not suitable for an occasion where there is mixed company particularly on a day when people are particularly sensitive. Besides there may be clergy present or elderly people who would be shocked.

3. Forget the groom’s unsavoury past. Best men are often tempted to tell stories about what the groom has done in his wicked past. It might offend the bride though and it is safer to mention some incident where he lost your luggage on vacation or knocked you out in a friendly football match rather then mentioning his success with other women.

4. Never thank the hotel staff. They are paid to do this job and you don’t thank the florist the chauffeur or the photographer for doing their work. If they do a good job send a letter of thanks or recommend a particularly helpful employee to the management if you wish.

5. Don’t give away family secrets by mentioning a sore subject like alcoholism or gambling. Weddings speeches should be gracious and positive.

6. Never talk about previous marriages. This is a new start for the couple and past marriages should not be mentioned. If the children of a previous marriage will be present check with the couple whether or not they should be mentioned.

7. Forget saying “And now I wish to thank” and then give a long list. If there are people to be mentioned they should be woven into the wedding speech by saying something warm-hearted or witty about them.

8. Never say something that someone else will be saying. The father of the bride traditionally toasts the couple for instance. If you are acting as best man or speaking in another capacity you should check it with the couple as to who is giving the toast to the bride ad groom.

9. Always check before mentioning a deceased family member. Some people might find it too sorrowful for you to do so on what should be a happy day.

10. Don’t go on too long. A good wedding speech is about content not length.

Remember a speech should be short

Leave them longing for more

So cut it short

They’ll be shouting “Encore”.

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photo not related to writer

Limousines can be hired for any event or occasion but it is sometimes surprising just what they are used for. In addition limousine companies are very professional but sometimes events beyond their control can lead to things going very wrong. Here are a few incidents and occasions where it either goes wrong or limousines are used in surprising occasions.

Most of the time limousines that are hired for football matches run smoothly with no problems, however there have been a couple of incidents where it has gone very wrong. On one occasion, the Hummer H2 limousine hired for the FA Cup final broke down with a blown tyre on the return journey leaving 16 very frustrated fans (luckily on the winning team) stuck in the Hummer limo on the motorway for three hours. Although the company tried in vain to replace the tyre, a coach carrying fans from the same team was passing by and offered the fans a free ride home which they duly took. On another occasion involving a championship playoff final match whereby the team hiring the Hummer H2 limo lost, the angry and inebriated fans took out their frustrations on the inside of the Hummer limousine. Glasses were smashed, door locks were broken and the electrics were destroyed. The chauffeur was disgusted and made them pay for the damages.

If limousines are late for the initial pickup it can have a knock on effect for the both the customer and the limousine company. The customer can miss their appointment which could be anything from a flight to a restaurant booking. This can lead to frustration and anger, particularly if a flight or the start of a school prom is missed as a result. One of the worst cases of the limousine being late is for a wedding, however this is extremely rare. For the limousine company it could mean that the next limousine booking is affected and will also be late. Fortunately this is a very rare occurrence and is most often caused by heavy traffic. In most cases it is resolved by either offering to make up the time or giving a discount. In one incident where a restaurant was booked and the limousine was delayed in traffic the limousine operator resolved the situation by offering extra time in the limo and contacted the restaurant to rearrange the time.

Surprising cases of limousine use involve fire engine limousines for weddings, party bus limos for Royal Ascot and pink limousines for a stag do. In truth it does not matter what you use a limousine for as long as a good time is had by all.

Although things can and sometimes do go wrong, limousine companies are extremely professional and because of this these things rarely happen. The limousines are kept in pristine condition and routinely serviced so breakdowns are very unlikely. Chauffeurs will always leave for their pickup destinations with a lot of time to spare meaning that lateness is a rare occurrence and will almost certainly be caused by unusual traffic build up or an accident.

Why not have pink limo hire or stretch limo hire.

Limotek limo hire London – providers to all areas of the UK including limo hire London. We also provide mortgage quotes quotes.

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