Funny One Liners
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelery. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Always remember the three magic words: “You’re right dear”
“You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it”
“To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage: Here’s to good sense of humor – and a short memory!”
“A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes”
“I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice”
Not only is it important in choosing funny quotes or one liners, but you also have to cleverly write them into your speech or it could lose the humor if not delivered well. For example the quote by Henny Youngman, “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret”. This quote on it’s own isn’t that funny, so here’s an example of how to include it into your speech.
‘Now a toast to the bride and groom on this special day. We wish them all the best in their search. And a search it is going to be for in the words of Henny Youngman, “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” Best of luck in figuring it out!’
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)
There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
Funny Valentine Quotes
‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’
Dorothy Parker
‘Women are cursed, and men are the proof.’
Rosanne Barr
‘Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.’
Mae West
‘Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.’
Mickey Rooney
‘My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.’
Rita Rudner
‘The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.’
Ann Landers
‘I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.’
Barbara Bush
‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’
Groucho Marx
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
Thomas Szasz
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it’s curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
After a moment of quite repose
It’s tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It’s back to back for the rest of the night.
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
Advice to the new bride: You can’t be treated like a doormat if you don’t line down.
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don’t waste that night with the girls.
All marriages are happy; it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
Always talk to your wife while you’re making love…if there’s a phone handy.
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him…
And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
A good woman is like a good bar…liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
A honeymoon should be like a table…four bare legs and no drawers.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect…and to understand why he’s not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband should never question his wife’s judgement. Look whom she married!
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it’s happened to you, so don’t forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it’s at the end of the day.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, ‘cos you know where the wild goose goes.
Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted a prick like my mother’s.
Confucius say man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink.
Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Dear {bride},
Isn’t it funny how history repeats itself?
{Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy – and now it’s happening all over again!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Don’t be too liberal at the country party or you’ll wind up in Labor.
Don’t buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
Don’t go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don’t keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don’t Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she’ll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy…by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but she’s certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding…
Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here’s a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go
and friends may peter out ya know.
But we’ll be friends through thick or thin,
peter out and peter in!
From the football club -
We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You’ll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says “For the woman I love” and the second, “For my best friend.”
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here’s a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here’s to you and here’s to me,
and I hope we never disagree.
But, if that should ever be,
to HELL with you, here’s to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
If you don’t want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.
It’s always fun to ask at the reception, “What time’s the grand opening?”
Or after the honeymoon, “Glad to see you back on your feet.”
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It’s sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere,
respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests
in life as me. Now I don’t think that’s too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
John, you know I can’t marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who…makes half-a-million dollars a year…
Life’s a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life sucks…and then you marry someone who doesn’t!
Look the bride in the eye and ask, “If I’m the best man, how come you’re marrying HIM???”
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.
Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man and wife make one fool.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
and so made sure that she would stay,
in better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m damn lucky to have them.
My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it’s a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Say to the groom, “Your bride will now expect a mink.” Then to the bride, “You know how women get minks? …the same way minks get minks!”
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Sign in a marriage counselor’s window: “Out To Lunch – Think It Over.”
Some women marry men thinking they’d be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.
Sorry I can’t make your wedding, I’m half full under the table.
Sorry I cannot be at wedding…please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives.
Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes – hold your nose
Then see how it goes…
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!” His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal – a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg…and a lot of stuffing!!!
Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He’s the silent one.
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I’m sure this can’t be cricket.
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor’s wife and a bucket of apples.
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
Treat him like a flower…grab him by the stalk.
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?
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